I got a Kindle for Christmas and, honestly, I was not excited. I thought it was just another gadget to worry about, keep charged, etc. Besides, I don't often buy books, I borrow them or go the library. THEN I found out about the North Carolina Digital library where I can download books on my kindle for fourteen days for FREE. I was sold. So, by the New Years I made a resolution to read 12 books. I know for a lot of avid readers that is a very low number, but for me, it was a good goal. Here's what I've read so far:

1. Caleb's Crossing by Geraldine Brooks - Set on an Island of Martha's Vineyard in the late 1600's, this book is a historical fiction, one of my favorite genres. It was a heavy/dark book to read as it centers on the difficult relationship between the native Indians of the area and the newly arrived westerners, but overall a very good book, I read it pretty fast.

2. Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert - This is not written by a believer; she has a very different perspective on faith, but her writing style is great and I thoroughly enjoyed the stories of her experiences set in such beautiful backdrops as Italy, India, and Bali.

3. The 100 Thing Challenge by Dave Bruno - Written by a believer in California sick of constant consumerism. He simplifies his possessions to 100 things. I think it was his first book so sometimes the actual writing is lacking, but overall it gave me a lot to think about and challenged me in my relationship with "stuff."

4. Animal, Vegetable, Miracle by Barbara Kingsolver - A family decides to live off of only locally sourced foods for a year. So far humorous, interesting, and yet very informative with lots of facts about food production in the US. Intriguing to me because I'm very interested in/passionate about this kind of life-style. I'm still reading, not done yet.

I'm mostly on track to meet my goal! Yay!

I'm not a book critic, but I would recommend all four books if you're looking for something new to read.

~ Nicole

Care-Takers

Rough, Rough Draft:

 There’s an interesting aspect of being a woman that I’m still coming to terms with.

We marry, we have babies. And one of our biggest roles within our families is to be “care-taker.”

It’s been abused and misused and misconstrued but it’s still very true.

By abused, I mean, for ages women have suffered under the weight and restrictions of this role, seen only as useful in the home or for the purpose of child-bearing, and enduring shame, mistreatment, inequality. Etc.

By misused I mean it has been used by women in an inappropriate way. Emails are forwarded with a long list of the things women take care of and men and the role they play is demeaned and disgraced. Held over the head of man with pride, almost a reaction against the former abuse, the “lessening” of women, now we have turned it on it’s heels and wielded our power over man. We are superwomen who can have babies, work, take care of a home, etc. “Who needs men” is the attitude.

And to misconstrue the role of a woman as care-taker is all that falls in between and the lack of understanding we have when we rely on our own wisdom to define our place in our families instead of seeking the Father. Because He is the ultimate One who defines us and who lights up our path to see if we are supposed to stay home with our children, work, or have children at all, and He gives us our role and definition. Period.

But here is the thing I’ve really been thinking about the most. (and hurting about, if I’m honest).

As women, we play this vital role of making our home. In physical terms it’s called nesting. Wanting to organize, decorate, purchase, and set in place things in our physical home. But in the spiritual we do this too. We are, at all times, highly aware of the emotions of those within our family; we are usually the ones most keenly aware of our families needs both emotional and physical. We know the preferred foods of each member of our family and carry that knowledge with us to the grocery store. We know the preferred types of clothing and carry that knowledge to the department store. We know what’s been going on with the health of our family members and carry that knowledge to the doctors, or remind our husbands to ask the doctor about such and such when they go. We are aware of what embarrasses or scares or angers and we carry that knowledge to the social function, or simply the car-ride to the social function. As women we greatly desire a highly functional and happy household and we put great effort towards this end. And great effort is also put into marketing products to help us achieve that goal.

It’s a beautiful role the Father has given us, and despite my darling husband’s insistence on how “intuitive” he is, there is this unique level of care-taking intuition and instinct in women that is very special indeed.

Special. Vital. God-given. Beautiful. And exhausting.

I realize that perhaps this post would have been much more appropriate and timely last weekend, for Mother’s Day. However, I think the actual experience of Mothers Day to start the process of meditating on these things.

Most women are able to “step up to the plate” and embrace this role once they marry and have children. Some struggle in this role and have depression and outbursts of anger. Some are so overwhelmed that they can not handle it and they leave. It is a high-calling, a never-ending day in and day out giving of yourself to the needs of your family.

And that is where the ache comes in, because even though we have now chosen husband, been gifted children, and stepped in to our new high-heel shoes and role as wife and mother, there is still a little girl inside each of us.

That little girl never goes away. That little girl still deeply craves to be taken care of.

She longs to lay her head down on mother or grandmother’s lap and have her hair stroked. She longs for mother or grandmother to make her a meal. She longs to take a nap after Sunday dinner while mother or grandmother cleans the kitchen.

Sometimes we still get these little gifts of care when we spend time with our mothers. But often, our role can not be put on “hold” and we now help mom in the kitchen while our little ones are napping.

So, my question is, how do we get this legitimate need met? What does it look like, now, as the care-takers, to still have the need of being taken care of met?

Part of my answer is that we now have to take care of ourselves. We have to add ourselves to the brood of those we care for. We have to purposefully and strategically include things in our lives that make us feel taken care of.

If you can afford it, that may mean a monthly massage. It may mean figuring out how to have your own time to exercise. It might look like setting aside an hour a week to go to a coffee shop and journal. A night out with girlfriends. It may simply mean learning how ask for help or ACCEPT help from your husband. How often do you say, “it’s ok, I’ll take care of it” when you have been offered help? Why do we do that? Accept the offer girlfriend! I’m definitely preaching to the choir here.

It’s also learning to let go of perfection. The help you receive may not be the exact way you would do it. Who cares, really? Your inner peace and sense of sanity is much more important. Which would you rather: The dishes put away in the wrong spot but a loving and helpful husband who feels good about blessing his wife, or the dishes put away in exactly the right spot by a stressed-out-very-tired-needs-to-sit-down-a-second you?

These are all practical ways that this can work itself out, but still, I think we need to accept the pain that this is simply part of the process of no longer being a girl and becoming a woman. We are no longer a child, and must put childish ways behind us. I’m sure men experience the longing for the innocence and carefree nature of childhood as well. That is part of our fleeting nature, the seasons we experience in this life, sweet seasons can only be revisited in memory; there is no time machine.

For now our best option, really our only option beyond despair and burn-out is to cling to the hope that we will one day receive eternal rest. One day we will no longer experience craving or longing or need. And part of that day to come can be experienced today, in our souls, where our Father makes his home, who resides in us as the Eternal care-taker who never grows tired or weary of taking care of all his responsibilities and all his many children.

“Even to your old age and gray hair, I AM HE. I am he who will sustain you, I have made you, I will carry you. I will sustain you, I will rescue you. To whom will you compare me or count me equal? To whom will you liken me that we may be compared?”

Isaiah 46:4-5

I love reading all my friend's blogs. I get impatient if it's been more than a week between posts. Sadly, I'm not able to hold the same standard here. Life is just too busy at this time.

But, I'm taking a moment now to write.

I have been working full time since September. I'm very thankful for my job. The people are wonderful, the office is close to home, and it's giving me the opportunity to establish a career in a field that I could work in for many years to come. The biggest struggle has been letting go of my mental attachments to what I thought my life should look like; namely a stay-at-home mom birthing babies every couple of years. I've had to let go of the images and dreams of what I thought my life should look like, and thankfully embrace the reality of where God is leading us instead.

John has been working with much persistence on his business ventures. Starting your own business is not for the faint of heart. There are so many obstacles to be overcome and so many different types of tasks you must take on. We are entering into these things as a family in part because of God's leading, and hoping that it will offer us a sustainable and flexible life-style in the future. Please pray for him that God would sustain him physically and mentally during this time.

Here are some reccomendations for great things we've enjoyed and been blessed/challenged by:

1,000 Gifts by Ann Voskamp "A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are."
The 100 Thing Challenge - A book on resisting the materialistic culture by which we are surrounded.
Grace4Life

We have the privilege of enjoying friendship with Johnny Long, the author of Grace4Life and a missionary and pastor for almost 50 years. He and his wife, Becky, have shown such amazing hospitality towards us and have welcomed us into their lives and home. We are currently part of a small group where Johnny is teaching the Grace4Life material. This is such a sweet season for us spiritually, in our 4 years of marriage this is the first in-depth sort of study John and I have been able to participate in where we are being taught and discipled by "seasoned" folks of faith. WHAT A BLESSING!

Much love to you all, Happy Spring!

~ The Mahshies

All of my Days

I heard this song on Pandora this morning at work, and it brought me right back...

Sobs choked out of me in between my gasps for breath. I was listening to it on my little I-pod nano running outside at John's Mom's property. It was almost two years ago, a cold winter morning grey with a little fog. This was a dark time in my life, and I'm so thankful that He found me.

Alexi Murdoch:

Well I have been searching

All of my days
Many a road, you know
I've been walking on
All of my days
And I've been trying to find
What's been in my mind
As the days keep turning into night

Well I have been quietly standing in the shade
All of my days
Watch the sky breaking on the promise that we made
All of this rain
And I've been trying to find
What's been in my mind
As the days keep turning into night

Well many a night I found myself with no friends standing near
All of my days
I cried aloud
I shook my hands
What am I doing here
All of these days
For I look around me
And my eyes confound me
And it's just too bright
As the days keep turning into night

Now I see clearly
It's you I'm looking for
All of my days
So I'll smile
I know I'll feel this loneliness no more
All of my days
For I look around me
And it seems you found me
And it's coming into sight
As the days keep turning into night
As the days keep turning into night
And even breathing feels all right
Yes, even breathing feels all right
Now even breathing feels all right
Yes even breathing
Feels all right

and

Well I had a dream
I stood beneath an orange sky
Yes I had a dream
I stood beneath an orange sky
With my brother standing by
With my brother standing by
I said brother, you know you know
It's a long road we've been walking on
Brother you know it is, you know it is
Such a long road we've been walking on

And I had a dream
I stood beneath an orange sky
With my sister standing by
With my sister standing by
I said sister, here is what I know now
Here is what I know now
Goes like this
In your love, my salvation lies
In your love, my salvation lies
In your love, my salvation lies
In your love, in your love, in your love

But sister you know I'm so weary
And you know sister
My hearts been broken
Sometimes, sometimes
My mind is too strong to carry on
Too strong to carry on

When I am alone
When I've thrown off the weight of this crazy stone
When I've lost all care for the things I own
That's when I miss you, that's when I miss you, that's when I miss you
You who are my home
You who are my home

And here is what I know now
Here is what I know now
Goes like this
In your love, my salvation lies
In your love, my salvation lies
In your love, my salvation lies
In your love, my salvation lies
In your love, my salvation lies
In your love, my salvation lies
In your love, my salvation lies
In your love, in your love, in your love

Well I had a dream
I stood beneath an orange sky
Yes I had a dream
I stood beneath an orange sky
With my brother and my sister standing by
With my brother and my sister standing by
With my brother and my sister standing by

Holiday Letter 2011

Hello Friends and Family!

Happy Holidays! We hope your Christmas was filled with good food and people you love. 2011 has been a year full of work, work, and more work – but we are exceedingly grateful. In years past, our holiday letter has included at least two cool trips. Sadly, we did not do much traveling this year, except for a quick trip to Charleston. Here’s a timeline of what kept us here in Hendersonville instead of out and about:

January 2011: We got snowed in, a lot, we all had the flu, and we talked about moving to Hawai’i. However, we had a blast sledding with Anna-Joy and our friends.

February: We joined a new church and Anna-Joy was baptized. We are so thankful for the people we’ve been able to meet, and are so blessed to have shared so many meals and laughs and to have made friends that live near by.

March: Nicole worked, or really sat, at a Thai restaurant until the restaurant closed. John was in school studying horticulture and grafting things in the greenhouse.

April: Nicole was blessed to get a job at a busier restaurant in downtown Hendersonville with no lapse in work between the closing of the Thai place.

May: John finished school and immediately began the back-breaking work of planting a gigantic vegetable garden full of heirloom tomatoes. After hours of research, planting, paper-work, and permits, He set up a lovely looking produce stand to sell his wares. The stand is close to our home and is in the parking lot of a busy tourist stop: Elijah Mountain Gem-Mine.

June: We celebrated being married three years! We were able to enjoy the music of Moses Atwood at a lovely venue in West Asheville. We ate steak and drank wine after months of sticking to a tight budget, and boy was it good! Three years felt very sweet and we are grateful that the Lord has sustained our marriage and used it to teach and change us.

July: We took our one and only family trip of the year to Charleston. We enjoyed the beach, ice-cream, and the company of John’s brother and his wife.

August: Waitressing was a hard gig for our family. Nicole never had stable hours or guaranteed pay. She decided to look for more full-time office work and began the process of applying and interviewing.

September: On September 19^th she began working for a back-ground investigation company a couple miles from our home. We couldn’t be more in awe of how our Father leads, guides, and provides for us. This has been an amazing opportunity with wonderful people.

October - present: John has worked non-stop since planting the vegetable garden back in May. In the fall he transitioned to selling local apples and pumpkins, and now for the Holidays he has sold Christmas trees and hand-made gifts including olive wood sculptures, ceramics, and jewelry. Oh, and he sells the best boiled peanuts in town! It has been a grueling, yet rewarding experience. He has learned a lot, and hopes to use all he’s learned to further future business endeavors.

Anna-Joy has been in day-care since Mom started working. She enjoys her teachers and her friends, and has transitioned really well. We are constantly surprised by the funny things she says, and, every once in a while are blown away by a profound truth that comes out of the “mouth of our babe.” Her favorite things right now include howling with our dog Eastwood, sprinkles, Dora the Explorer, everything princess, tooth-paste, her grandparents, painted toe-nails, spinning in circles to the “Guy on the Buffalo” song, and all forms of sugar.

Thanks for reading about the major events that took place in our lives in 2011. The really major stuff was what went on in our hearts and souls, and how the Lord used those events to teach us about who He is what His love looks like. We’re so thankful to have a Father rich in mercy! He grabs us and takes us out of a miry and miserable pit. With every step we are learning how to trust him, and gaining more glimpses of his beautiful Kingdom. Pray for us in 2011 for continued perseverance as the path is long and narrow. Pray that we’d remember that we are not just stuck on a narrow path, but that we’re being saved from destruction and traveling towards life.

Grace and Peace to you and yours,

John, Nicole, and Anna-joy Mahshie

16th Annual Green River Race

(photo courtesy of Bo!)

I just started a new job: a desk job. And while I love the job itself, I don’t exactly love the constant sitting, indoors. I decided I need to make it a priority to get out and get moving, and thankfully I live in an area with an abundance of beautiful trails. For the past four weeks I have hiked every Saturday. I’ve hit the trail in Dupont, Glassy Bald at the Carl Sandburg House, and the Davidson River. As the fourth Saturday approached, I wondered where I would go. And then Christine called.

Christine is an old friend from college. Through Facebook we learned that we were now living close to one another: she in Spartanburg, and myself in Hendersonville. I’ve known for a while that she drives up the mountain often to go kayaking at the Narrows on the Green River. So, when she informed me that the Green River Race was this Saturday, I knew my hiking destination question had been answered.

It was the perfect fall day as I started down the trail with Christine and her good friend Annie. We were running because Christine needed to make it down to the river by the start of the race at noon. I didn’t last very long at this pace and soon Christine took off and Annie stayed behind to keep me company the rest of the way, at a slower pace. We were taking the longer way in, about 3.5 miles, in order to avoid some of the crowd. This was a really great trail with a good mixture of uphill, flat portions, and sloping down-hills.

We finally arrive at the head of the descent to the river. I am amazed at the number of people standing in line waiting to go down, there are a least two hundred or more. We get in line and chitchat with folks, when a young boy of about 12 comes running up the hill, breathless. “I found a faster way to get down,” he says to his Mom, panting. Annie starts following him, and I follow Annie. We’re thinking about catching up with Christine, about not missing the race, and avoiding waiting in the line for at least an hour.

We follow the boy down the incredibly steep descent to the river. We’re moving fast, grabbing roots and trees to keep us from tumbling down. We’re parallel to the folks who have been waiting in line for who knows how long. Some call out frustrated remarks, as we fly by. But we figure, we’re just following this kid, and it is the woods after all…not a grocery store line.

We make it to the bottom and the number of spectators once again shocks me, there must be a thousand people down here, crammed on to rocks. We find Christine perched with her camera on the edge of a rock right near the main run, the Gorilla. We squeeze our way near her. The excitement in the air is tangible. I first notice the strong smells of all the people I’m crowded in with. It smells like armpits, pot, adrenaline, beer, all mixed with the fresh scent of the woods and the fall air.

I can’t really concentrate on the race yet, I’m still taking in all that is around me. I’m surprised by some of the folks I see at the bottom. “How did you make it down here?” I think. Some are older, some are overweight, and some have lots of makeup-on and nice clothes. The majority, though, are the regular outdoorsy types – folks who eat, sleep, and breathe any kind of outdoor activity. These folks are decked in popular outdoors brands in one of five colors. It’s a sea of black, grey, green, brown, and the occasional blue.

There’s a loud gasp through the crowd and I turn to see a kayker going down the Gorilla, backward. At the bottom, he’s upside down, and then after a few tense moments, he rolls and pops back up, shaking his head to catch his bearing before he continues down the rapids.

The Gorilla is the most extreme and challenging part of the Narrows. For the next half hour I cheer and gasp with the audience as we watch the racers run the Gorilla. Some do it with such ease, precision, and skill. One man goes down raising his paddle in the air, like he’s riding a roller coaster. The crowd goes wild for him. At one point we all hold our breath waiting for the rescue team at the bottom to get hold of a man that went down backwards, then upside down, and then came out of his kayak completely. It continues on like this: the sound of a horn, the tip of a brightly colored kayak appearing at the top of the falls, and the cheering or pained “ooooohhhhhs” of the crowd as the kayaker runs the Gorilla.

After a while I decide to leave. I am dreading the climb back up to the trail. Every muscle in my body is all ready sore. I sit on a rock and watch the crowd, drinking some water, and trying to give myself a pep-talk for climbing out of here. All of a sudden there is the sound of whistles and the crowd starts to move. Then I see the rescue team carrying a kayaker on a stretcher, yelling at one another to “keep him flat, cover him up” and then at the crowd, “move out of the way or make a line to pass him!” I wonder what happened. I didn’t see his run. I hope to God he will be OK.

As I hike back out, after I’ve caught my breath from the challenging climb up from the river, I start to think about the people brave enough to race. The kayaker on the stretcher represents what can happen if the run doesn’t go smoothly. These athletes take a huge risk, hurtling themselves over this white-water. The water is powerful and unyielding. I wonder what it’s like to look at that power and decide that you’re more powerful, that you can actually take the Gorilla on. I am in awe of their tenacity, knowing the many hours they must have trained to make it to this point, this race.

This has definitely been the best of all my Saturday hikes. In fact, this has been the best event I’ve attended all year. The fresh air of the woods, especially in the fall, makes me feel so much more alive, not to mention, the way my heart starts pumping as I trek up and down hills for miles and miles. The real beauty of this day, though, is not just the woods or the rushing river; It’s been watching brave people who are not afraid to take a risk.

I don’t know about you, but I need to be challenged to take more risks. This does not mean I will be hurtling myself over the Gorilla any-time soon, or even taking up kayaking at all. However, there are other kinds of Gorillas in my life, things I need to decide that I am more powerful than, that I have the skills and the training to take head on.

They forgot to mention...

Whoever "they" are ... they did a very poor job of helping us when we were young. They didn't really mention how hard grown up life is. Maybe "they" are just being protective to the young and naive. However, I think we would have appreciated a little more straight talk to prepare us for the extreme struggle involved in becoming a spouse and a parent.

We have been married three years as of June 7th. We have done a home renovation (twice!), had difficulty finding careers, been in school, had a baby, changed churches, and lived on a very limited income.

We have had a lot of "stressors" which many people all across the world experience. I think, perhaps, ours have come on in a condensed way to where we feel like we haven't had much of a chance to catch our breath between one difficult experience and the next.

However, overall, I don't really believe that we're experiencing things that others haven't. I do believe, however, that our faith makes it harder.

What?!? Come again?!?

Yes. I am aware of how our faith has made the past three years of our life burn like hell. They have burned because He has had us in His refining fire. He has been removing our selfish desires, our quest to build our own kingdoms, our materialism, our self-protective instincts, unhealthy patterns from the past, and much more.

It reminds me of the scene in The Voyage of the Dawn Treader (Chronicles of Narnia)when Eustace was changed into the dragon. Aslan approaches him to free him from his Dragon skin. Here's an excerpt from the book (Eustace explaining the experience):

"Then the lion said- but I don't know if it spoke - 'You will have to let me undress you.' I was afraid of his claws, I can tell you, but I was pretty nearly desperate now. So I just lay flat down on my back to let him do it. The very first tear he made was so deep that I thought it had gone right into my heart. And when he began pulling the skin off, it hurt worse than anything I've ever felt. The only thing that made me able to bear it was just the pleasure of feeling the stuff peel off."

If we didn't desire to give ourselves over to Jesus we could avoid a lot of pain. It's very painful to let Him take off our dragon skin. At times, we'll admit, we've both wanted to just run away from the Lion and his claws. The situation that is tearing off our dragon skin has largely been our difficult marriage and the knarly parts of our dragon skin our relationship reveals. We could run and deny our knarly skin, self-medicate, and try to create a false sense of peace.

But our Father's way, although vastly more difficult, is the path to freedom and the lovely pure skin he intends for us to have.

I could include lots of scriptures to go along with these thoughts. However, I really want to include one last quote that I think sums all this up very beautifully:

Kahlil Gibran, "The Prophet - On Love"

When love beckons to you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams
as the north wind lays waste the garden.

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.

Love,
John & Nicole

Because I tipped the Subway guy...

We have a 2000 Volvo wagon that my parents gave to us when we got married. It has been the primary car for our family and we've been really thankful for it. It's had some issues here and there and the trouble with Volvos is that the parts are expensive. We've had a hard time finding a mechanic we like.

It has needed some work for a while and we finally saved up enough money in our emergency fund (thank you Dave Ramsey) to have the car checked out. After John haggled with the lady on the phone back and forth throughout the day, the best deal they could offer us was $1,083.27 to complete most of work the car needs. We had $1,000 in our emergency fund and John was going to tell the lady, "sorry, but we really can't do any more than $1,000."

We would basically be back at square one, trying to buy parts online, possibly watching tutorials so John could install them, and wasting time and energy and keeping ourselves in a stressful situation. This is, obviously, a lot of money, and a big decision. John was really tense all day as he looked up things on-line, made phone calls, and talked with the dealership.

So it's decision time. Do we draw the line at $1,000 and say goodbye and no thanks to the dealership? John asked me if I had any cash on me other than what we had in the emergency fund. I've been waiting tables lately so I have to keep cash on hand to make change for customers. I counted the money and before I was even done I started laughing. I had exactly $83.27


THIS IS THE COOL PART:

Right before I got home to help make this decision with John I stopped at Subway. I got a famous $5 foot-long and felt strongly from the Father that I needed to tip the guy who made my sandwich (he was really nice to AJ). I really did not want to do this. I had felt like it was a waste of money and was negating my great $5 deal! I struggled with it for a second and reluctantly put the $1 in the jar and left.

Then I came home to a husband in distress who needed to hear from his Father about our car situation. His Father knew what he needed and so he had me give random Subway man that $1 so that the money left in my wallet would be the exact balance needed to pay for the car.

Do you understand how $84 isn't as powerful as the exact amount of $83 needed?

He cares for us you guys! Constantly he is shouting out his love for us. But we are participatory. If I hadn't heard and obeyed the Spirit about tipping the Subway guy, this whole scenario wouldn't exist. There have been SO many times I've heard that still small voice and not trusted, thought I knew better, thought I understood more about wasting a dollar on a guy at Subway.

You know what I'm saying? This stuff is just so exciting! This is what makes life vibrant. We are so poor and needy, dumb, and weak and our Father is so willing to come through for us. He want's to be our Hero, to send us love notes, to give us kisses. But we have to be willing to participate in the process.

Praise Him!

~ Nicole