Care-Takers

Rough, Rough Draft:

 There’s an interesting aspect of being a woman that I’m still coming to terms with.

We marry, we have babies. And one of our biggest roles within our families is to be “care-taker.”

It’s been abused and misused and misconstrued but it’s still very true.

By abused, I mean, for ages women have suffered under the weight and restrictions of this role, seen only as useful in the home or for the purpose of child-bearing, and enduring shame, mistreatment, inequality. Etc.

By misused I mean it has been used by women in an inappropriate way. Emails are forwarded with a long list of the things women take care of and men and the role they play is demeaned and disgraced. Held over the head of man with pride, almost a reaction against the former abuse, the “lessening” of women, now we have turned it on it’s heels and wielded our power over man. We are superwomen who can have babies, work, take care of a home, etc. “Who needs men” is the attitude.

And to misconstrue the role of a woman as care-taker is all that falls in between and the lack of understanding we have when we rely on our own wisdom to define our place in our families instead of seeking the Father. Because He is the ultimate One who defines us and who lights up our path to see if we are supposed to stay home with our children, work, or have children at all, and He gives us our role and definition. Period.

But here is the thing I’ve really been thinking about the most. (and hurting about, if I’m honest).

As women, we play this vital role of making our home. In physical terms it’s called nesting. Wanting to organize, decorate, purchase, and set in place things in our physical home. But in the spiritual we do this too. We are, at all times, highly aware of the emotions of those within our family; we are usually the ones most keenly aware of our families needs both emotional and physical. We know the preferred foods of each member of our family and carry that knowledge with us to the grocery store. We know the preferred types of clothing and carry that knowledge to the department store. We know what’s been going on with the health of our family members and carry that knowledge to the doctors, or remind our husbands to ask the doctor about such and such when they go. We are aware of what embarrasses or scares or angers and we carry that knowledge to the social function, or simply the car-ride to the social function. As women we greatly desire a highly functional and happy household and we put great effort towards this end. And great effort is also put into marketing products to help us achieve that goal.

It’s a beautiful role the Father has given us, and despite my darling husband’s insistence on how “intuitive” he is, there is this unique level of care-taking intuition and instinct in women that is very special indeed.

Special. Vital. God-given. Beautiful. And exhausting.

I realize that perhaps this post would have been much more appropriate and timely last weekend, for Mother’s Day. However, I think the actual experience of Mothers Day to start the process of meditating on these things.

Most women are able to “step up to the plate” and embrace this role once they marry and have children. Some struggle in this role and have depression and outbursts of anger. Some are so overwhelmed that they can not handle it and they leave. It is a high-calling, a never-ending day in and day out giving of yourself to the needs of your family.

And that is where the ache comes in, because even though we have now chosen husband, been gifted children, and stepped in to our new high-heel shoes and role as wife and mother, there is still a little girl inside each of us.

That little girl never goes away. That little girl still deeply craves to be taken care of.

She longs to lay her head down on mother or grandmother’s lap and have her hair stroked. She longs for mother or grandmother to make her a meal. She longs to take a nap after Sunday dinner while mother or grandmother cleans the kitchen.

Sometimes we still get these little gifts of care when we spend time with our mothers. But often, our role can not be put on “hold” and we now help mom in the kitchen while our little ones are napping.

So, my question is, how do we get this legitimate need met? What does it look like, now, as the care-takers, to still have the need of being taken care of met?

Part of my answer is that we now have to take care of ourselves. We have to add ourselves to the brood of those we care for. We have to purposefully and strategically include things in our lives that make us feel taken care of.

If you can afford it, that may mean a monthly massage. It may mean figuring out how to have your own time to exercise. It might look like setting aside an hour a week to go to a coffee shop and journal. A night out with girlfriends. It may simply mean learning how ask for help or ACCEPT help from your husband. How often do you say, “it’s ok, I’ll take care of it” when you have been offered help? Why do we do that? Accept the offer girlfriend! I’m definitely preaching to the choir here.

It’s also learning to let go of perfection. The help you receive may not be the exact way you would do it. Who cares, really? Your inner peace and sense of sanity is much more important. Which would you rather: The dishes put away in the wrong spot but a loving and helpful husband who feels good about blessing his wife, or the dishes put away in exactly the right spot by a stressed-out-very-tired-needs-to-sit-down-a-second you?

These are all practical ways that this can work itself out, but still, I think we need to accept the pain that this is simply part of the process of no longer being a girl and becoming a woman. We are no longer a child, and must put childish ways behind us. I’m sure men experience the longing for the innocence and carefree nature of childhood as well. That is part of our fleeting nature, the seasons we experience in this life, sweet seasons can only be revisited in memory; there is no time machine.

For now our best option, really our only option beyond despair and burn-out is to cling to the hope that we will one day receive eternal rest. One day we will no longer experience craving or longing or need. And part of that day to come can be experienced today, in our souls, where our Father makes his home, who resides in us as the Eternal care-taker who never grows tired or weary of taking care of all his responsibilities and all his many children.

“Even to your old age and gray hair, I AM HE. I am he who will sustain you, I have made you, I will carry you. I will sustain you, I will rescue you. To whom will you compare me or count me equal? To whom will you liken me that we may be compared?”

Isaiah 46:4-5